


going

by yeosangsfryingpan



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Hanahaki Disease, M/M, im so sorry for this, theres some course language sorry, you know it will be emotional
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-30
Updated: 2021-01-30
Packaged: 2021-03-16 15:08:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,108
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29084406
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yeosangsfryingpan/pseuds/yeosangsfryingpan
Summary: just keep swimming just keep swimming
Relationships: Kim Hongjoong & Park Seonghwa
Comments: 2
Kudos: 8





	going

13/1/21 12:50am to 1:53am

Hongjoong looks into those eyes.  
“the stars are so shiny tonight” he whispers.  
“what stars? Theres no stars in the sky its just dark.” the other whispered.  
“your eyes, stupid, your eyes have stars and they’re so shiny.” Hongjoong smiled at his friend. 

he wishes the taller one would hug him then, show his love to him, but he knows it will never come, he’s unrequited after all. oh how shitty it feels to have such a gorgeous, amazing best friend and soulmate next to him who shares none of the feelings he has to give. he can’t believe he’s lasted these few months after finding out. 

his heart still aches a little more each day, his lungs willing to give out any minute. but he keeps going, keeps going for Seonghwa and his friends, and for nights like this. He hopes for the day Seonghwa might confess, ease his weak body into his arms rather than into a grave. he waits patiently. 

“it’s getting cold, we should head inside Joong.” he asks the smaller friend whos eyes are closed facing up towards the moon on the grass, hands behind his head. if only he could reach out and brush the hair from his face. 

“lets stay a little bit longer, its peaceful than what it is inside with the others.”  
with that being said a screaming wooyoung and san run out with an angry yeosang at their heels yelling something about stealing chicken again. 

hongjoong sighs and gets up rather slowly a pain in his lung again, not that it ever goes away, seonghwa notices. 

“you okay old man?”

“yeah, yeah just dizzy from laying down.”

“lets go inside, drink some water, you’ll feel better than just drinking coffee.” 

seonghwa misses the low mumble of “i wish it was that easy.” from Hongjoong. 

the following night Seonghwa tossed and turned, the thoughts of the other member in his mind, he’s just a friend. that’s all. he has his soulmate somewhere, Seonghwa has his. he could never have Hongjoong and he believed it. but he couldnt help picture anyone more perfect, more his soulmate than Hongjoong. it’s always been Hongjoong. Hongjoong’s soft smiles only directed at him, his low moments where he takes comfort in the older, the quiet and calm moments like tonight, he wants them all everyday with Hongjoong. Only Hongjoong.

Hongjoong stared though his window at the sky, his pained chest making it hard to sleep comfortably. It suddenly made him gag, running to the bathroom, petals started flowing as he coughed and splattered. 

he panted heavily, just one day, he just wants one day. he lay on the floor, brushing the red damp hair from his forehead. Why did Seonghwa have to do this to him. he knows deep down it isnt his fault but he’s hurt, sad, confused and scared so very very scared. he doesnt want to burden the others with his dead corpse constantly haunting their minds, thats why no one knows. 

why cant he be loved. 

was Hongjoong that bad of a person, as a leader that he wasnt loved. he felt warm tears drip down his cheeks, he stands in front of the mirror and looks at himself, hair scattered at every angle, face flushed, he doesnt bother looking at the toilet at the petals and petals of Black Dahlias. he closes the lid and bids it goodbye. 

he gets back to bed and calls it a night, trying his hardest to have a dreamless sleep, but thoughts of seonghwa and his broken beating heart invade yet another night. 

the others all decided to go to the beach that evening after work. plying volleyball and taking photos of the sunset together. Hongjoong notices someone laying down on the sand , he knows it’s Seonghwa, the way his heart flutters seeing the man, the sunsets shine making him look ethereal to him.

“i thought you said it was too cold out here at this time.”

“this isnt too bad.” seonghwa smiles up at the voice. 

Hongjoong hums.

the silence is comfortable, the taller humming a song, hongjoong closes his eyes.

he coughs, the cold air attacking his lungs, he sits up and covers his mouth afraid of his secret finally being discovered. it does. 

seonghwa is at his side quickly, worried for the him. he notices the petal, the light glimmering off of it. seonghwa gasps. 

hongjoong doesnt look at him, he’s terrified, thoughts are going through his mind. please dont hate me. please dont hate me. please dont hate me. “PLEASE DONT HATE ME! PLEASE!” he hears himself yell unexpectedly. 

“Hongjoong i- i could never, please, please look at me. was that- was that what i think it was.” he asks softly. 

“what do you think it was, Seonghwa?” hongjoong says almost too quiet. 

“it was a petal wasnt it, you have the disease. im so sorry Hongjoong.” he cries, he leans his head onto Hongjoongs shoulder and whimpers quietly. 

the two boys cry together. the feeling of guiltiness and regret washing over them both. 

“h-how long?” Seonghwa whispers. 

“6 months, and still going.” Seonghwa has to come closer to his mouth, he holds him tighter, silent sobs of im so sorry are heard in Hongjoongs right ear. 

“it’s okay. you can’t do anything, you cant help me.” Hongjoong holds his legs, he cant face him hes afraid his reality will sink in too much. 

Hongjoong coughs more, not being able to breathe, the pain too much now. 

Seonghwa is shaking and yelling for Hongjoong. hongjoong waves him off and looks at him, his heart breaks more and more. 

“now you know, i guess.” Hongjoong says. Seonghwa is silent, his mind too messy to comprehend anything, he cant think properly. 

Hongjoong gets up shakily and walks to the others, he makes up a lie that he wasnt feeling well and heads home. it wasnt a complete lie, he cant look at Seonghwa now or ever. he goes for a walk through town to help recover his unsteady heart beats. 

Hongjoong suddenly feels dizzy, his head light and his eyes fluttery, he cant see where hes going, everything goes hazy and he falls. hes gone. its silent, his soft breathing is heard, there is no pain. it’s just. White. He doesnt know where he is, but he knows its okay. 

Seonghwa is still on the beach. its dark now, the waves are loud and crash into the tide. he’s cold, his chest hurts. “i love you.” he thinks to himself. he did. he suddenly coughs, a single black petal lay on his hand.

**Author's Note:**

> im so sorry.


End file.
